Perils of assimilation

If only life came with subtitles.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Peel away the skin, and this is what you get:

I love art. Seriously, I can stand in front of a painting for hours and not get bored. I love Rembrandts and Vermeers, Magrittes and Picassos. There is this one Magritte painting that I want to recreate in real life so badly. Just gotta find a willing participant first.

But I also love works by Alex Grey, which L. introduced me to, and Robert Venosa, whose work I saw at Entheon, and just blew my mind.

One of my fovorite of Venosa's works, Asrtal Circus, looks like it's painted out of water, and each time you look it's different and you notice the clever things he did. I kept coming back to it, it's just so mesmerizing. The conceptual art he did for the movie Dune is amazing as well. Perhaps that film would have turned out as something other than crap if Venosa's work hd been used. I loved his depiction of a crysknife.

Alex Grey depicts bodies on an astral plane, sometimes stripped of their skin and powerful. Apparently, L. got to meet him at the Entheon event prior to the one I went to. It's like a spiritual Body Word exhibit (I've only seen pictures of that, though. The museum was closed when I tried to go).

I just recently discovered "I'm too Sad," a series of portaits of people crying. I love it because sadness is pure in a world where nothing is pure at all. Sometimes the photos seem too posed, but do you really take pictures of yourself when your sad? no, this requires some planning. Do some of these people force themselves to cry just for the collection? And if it is real, how do the subjects feel after being recorded at their most raw and vulnerable.

Bill Sullivan's series of people at Turnstiles is something I've been trying to capture for years. His photos turned out much better than mine, of course, considering he doesn't use disposable cameras. Capturing the faces at a point where they don't have to be in any societal role, and just themselves is so elusive, and even with the lack of a role to fulfill, they are all following the same route, the same path and from that one point scatter into the spheres of their lives. Sullivan's elevator series is also delightful.

Little People -- you just have to check it out. tiny and clever.

Razor Apple covers NY graffiti, and my favorite, the Wooster Collective, covers graffiti and subversive art from all around the world. It's awful how the graffiti in EC only lasts for a few days. The city simply can't allow any art to marr its precious reputation.

I've posted these links, have fun.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


One of the problems I have encountered within myself is my desire for what isn't with in my reach. Distance only increases my hunger for it. I don't lt this consume me, which is the most I can really do, and I concentrate on within. The universe always balances itself out. That's one thing I'm sure of. That mantra saves me a lot of worry and stress, though it does cause me to brush off many things as unimportant.

See? Blessing and curse= Balance.

Everything is Janus-faced.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

EC blues

Ahh, the serene banks of the Chippewa river... one of the few reasons I am still in Eau Claire.

I detest how I cannot study what I wish here. I have to go through bullshit and drudgery before I can do any actual scholarship. I LOVE to learn, and I really don't feel like I'm learning anything here. I feel like my grip on the french language has sadly slackened, We're not doing anything significant in English, and I don't even bother to show up to Math.

I want to study medieval literature, Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Dickens, I want to dig into Plato and Keirkegaard, Kant and Hegel. I want to STUDY. And I just can't do that until I've gotten through the pointless 100 and 200 level classes required. I am so fucking jealous of the Shimer curriculum. I want history and philosophy and religion and languages and even science! I should look into other schools that can offer me intense acedemics, not necessarily Shimer, but somewhere. The big problem I run into is money. I can't afford a private school, even with loans and financial aid. But if this IS what I truly want, it'll work itself out. Things tend to do that.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

This week has been surreal

I can't believe how quick this week has gone by. I had a crazy time, which I'll get around to writing about in the near future. I have never met so many great and crazy people all in one place (not including Dave's place, of course).


I ran into this one guy I had briefly met over the summer strumming a banjo and wearing a large farmers hat outside of the IIT building. No joke.

Almost missing and missing my connections, which was less than ideal, needless to say.

Meeting up with people heading in the same direction and hanging out the entire way.

Barbequeing at IIT, with Grill Master Adam at the helm.

Discovering that there AREN'T any quiet places in Chicago. Period.

Wishing I could stay longer.

The Bean.

Emotional turmoil.

Sex, drugs and Socrates: guess which one I participated in.

Getting a personal bass guitar performance.

Getting angry at public transportation and drunk people.

Paying way too much to feed one of my addictions.

Friday, March 23, 2007

City thoughts

Time in cities does not operate the same as elsewhere. It is swift and nonlinear, like the city itself. My mind is like the city. Cobwebby and chaotic, it is patches of history layered upon itself, the cracks creeping along the surface. Despite the chaos, it has a structure to it, flow of people and streets. It has a schedule, like the El, not nessascerily on time, rickety, old and somewhat dangerous, but it gets there. There is a similar structure to all things that flow: rivers, words, time. It is born from chaos, tumbling wildly, cycling through itself, swift and violent. But it FLOWS ON. It moves forward, subject to gravity and physics. It is finite and infinite at the same time. We all flow, we are all infinite and finite.


I am perplexed by my inablitiy to express myself. Around some people, I do not talk a lot. This is not because I have nothing to say but because I think whatever I say comes out as inane drivel or if it is significant, it isn't worded the way I want. So, I keep my mouth shut. I realize this unnerves some people, as they are accustomed to hearing chatter. But my heavy clay toungue lies inert in my mouth, unable to communicate. I want to communicate what I want, surely, but I just can't. I'm worried by this. What I want to say comes out in my writing, only a small fraction of which ends up on here, my poetry and musings. I usually carry a small notebook on me for such occasions that I need to write, which I have forgotten in EC this week.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Moving out I guess I'm getting kicked out of the house completely in the fall. My mother told me to pack up my books. I consider my home to be where ever I keep my books, my constant companions. And if my books aren't here, then this is not my home. Scary because I have so much unfinished business in this area and a few best friends I am not willing to let go of. At least I'll get to spend Thursday with two of them.


I look at where I was yesterday morning and then I look at where I was this morning, and I want to cry, because I find it harder and harder to believe that Sunday morning existed.
I look at how much trust my parents have in me, and I hate having to hide my life from them. But they wouldn't like who I am, where I've been and what I've done. Parents want to protect their children from the world, and children protect their parents from the world they live in.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Fuck you, Stirm

How am I supposed to annotate objects? What the hell? And we're supposed to have 50 objects, when I doubt I have that many objects in my room aside from clothes and food. I left anything that didn't represent me anymore back home. I have plenty of receipts, does she want those? What I have so far:

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
the Vagina Monologues notecard
Three plays by Noel Coward
Chant and Be Happy: the Power of Mantra Meditation
Drafting Dots
The mystery keys
a Protector's knot
a scarf
a sarong
a teabag
a water-damaged dictionary
a collage
a poloroid of Adam in a Goodwill
one of the pictures from my ceiling
a program
half a cigar

33 more objects to go...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Damn, I want to travel

I just got done reading Pizza Boy's travel journal from his trip to Europe and Turkey, and wow. There is so much he's seen and experienced that I only dream of doing. I am amazed that he trusted me with this journal, and the whole Eylim situation. He is an amazing person whom I'm glad I'm friends with. I've been obsessed with travel since...maybe forever. I've always had a need to escape and see the world, I've bought shelves worth of books on backpacking the world, made countless fruitless plans. But now, it's no longer some longing desire, I NEED to travel through Europe, India, Asia, Africa, South America, and Australia. I'll come up with the money some how, and I know I can do it for even cheaper if I couch-surf (Lucy, you should join the network). I have random friends from around the world, perhaps it is time to pay them a visit in their home country. I know with rent next year it will be hard to stay afloat, but I can do it. Money is evil, but the world comes with a price, be it innocence, experiences, or le mauvais argent. Lucy has gone to France, and Anne to Spain, and I truly envy them. It sounds so amazing, I know I have to go.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Staring at strangers

I simply adore how I can never remember the things I must do for the next day, such as homework (French HW specifically) or some sort of meeting. And of course, I ignore it once I do remember. Oh my mind, what are you doing to me?

I really wanted to go talk to the guy that was staring at me today. He looked like he had an interesting story to tell. You never know when people are watching you, listening to what you're saying, writing about you. You will never know until you go over and ask them, or even if you recognize yourself in a paragraph. What are the odds that one reads the specific description of themselves by a stranger and recognize it? No, wait, don't tell me the odds (CoughDavecough). It is odd how much I find myself panicking when I think someone is writing about me, though I myself write constantly about anyone around me and what I think they are like. I never go and ask them about their writing. Maybe they want to speak to me too but refrian themselves as I do. There are so many people that I want to engage in conversation, but content myself with watching and eavesdropping.

I am a memeber of the Couch Surfers' network, which I completely forgot about after a year. No one has ever requested to couch surf with me, so I pushed it to the back of my head. I updated it for EC now, hopefully Ems won't mind strangers crashing at our place. Yeah, I doubt she'd be ok with that. But I like the concept of a community of travelers who can share their stories with you so long as you lend them a pace to sleep for a night.

I need to memorize my new monologue, do my math quiz, and write the English paper that's due Wednesday. Please remind me, I know I won't remind myself.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Nap disturbances are unwelcome


WHY must they dribble a basketball for 3 hours???

My nap was quite unpleasant because of those fuckers. GIVE IT A REST!!!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

People don't get it.

When one is depressed, everyone tells you to smile. But what they don't get is that smiling makes it worse, it masks what you feel and you feel more awful lying to yourself.

How to fight loneliness?
Smile all the time

Shine you teeth 'til meaningless
And sharpen them with lies

And whatever's going down
Will follow you around
That's how you fight loneliness

You laugh at every joke

Drag your blanket blindly
And fill your heart with smoke

And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you ever need
That's how you fight it

Just smile all the time


Monday, March 05, 2007

It's not easy being Green meme

1. What quality about you makes you stand out from the crowd? I don't really stand out. I'm quiet in large groups, but In very small groups I'm quite animated. Oh, and the spaghetti thing.

2. Which muppet can you most relate to?I didn't see too much of the muppet show as a kid, so I really can't identify a specific one. I hate Miss Piggy though. Ego-centric bitch.

3. If you had to paint your whole body one color what color would it be? A deep soul blue.

4. What is your favorite green thing? Maple leaves in the summer.

5. Do you believe that green M and M's are aphrodisiacs? Bullshit. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, not the stupid green coating. hey, you know what I miss? The tan M&Ms. I don't like the blue ones, they seem so unfriendly.

6. Have you ever eaten frog legs? No, but they are sold at the Milwaukee Bastille Days festival. So in case I get a hankering for some grenouille, I know where to go. Ya know the triplets from The Triplets of Bellville liked their froggies, so why don't I?

7. Is there anything frog-like about you? My personality is kind of toad-like. It's ugly, yet fascinating so you just keep staring. Yeah, I know that toads and frogs are different, I'm not a moron.

8. If your loved one were a frog would you become a frog too to be closer to them or would you keep hoping they turned human for you? I would except them as what they are. If I loved someone, I don't expect them to change for me, and they wouldn't expect me to change for them. Nothing wrong with trans-species love. Trans-species sex is kinda wrong.

New links

I've put a few new links up, such as:

The Sneeze- the site that literally made Lucy pass out from laughter. The 'Steve, Don't eat it!' series is priceless.

Galiza Hoje Fotografias- beautiful photos

Bags in Trees- is a collection of photographs of bags in trees. I like that I'm not the only one who takes photos of quirky, weird and mundane things.

Life in Still Mode- beautiful photos from Kuala Lampur, Malaysia. I especially like the Statue in the Caves series.

Indexed- My english professor showed this one to our class, and I'm quite glad she did.

I better get started on these

Long meme, sorry.
What I've done is surrounded by brackets, comments in parenthesis

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink

02. Swam with wild dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula.

[07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone ( yes, it is true! When Lila and I were little we would take bubble baths together and lit candles and talked about everything in the world.)]

[08. Said 'I love you' and meant it(I will not say it if I don’t mean it. ]

[09. Hugged a tree (I hug them all the time)]

[10. Done a striptease (I’m not going to elaborate on this one)]

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris 

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 

[14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise(one of my favorite things to do, since it’s so rare)]

15. Seen the Northern Lights.

[16. Gone to a huge sports game]

17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

[18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (yes, and it sucked ass. The worst part is picking the damn green beans because they are SO MANY of them)]

19. Touched an iceberg

[20. Slept under the stars]

21. Changed a baby's diaper

22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon 

[23. Watched a meteor shower]

24. Gotten drunk on champagne 

[25. Given more than you can afford to charity]

[26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope]

[27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment]

[28. Had a food fight]
29. Bet on a winning horse

[30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill ]

[31. Asked out a stranger]

[32. Had a snowball fight] 

33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier

[34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can]

[35. Held a lamb (my neighbors had two lambs, one white and one black)]

36. Enacted a favorite fantasy

37. Taken a midnight skinny dip

38. Taken an ice cold bath

[39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar]

40. Seen a total eclipse

[41. Ridden a roller coaster]

42. Hit a home run

[43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days] 

[44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking]

[45. Adopted an accent for an entire day]

46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 

[47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment]

48. Had two hard drives for your computer

49. Visited all 50 states 

50. Loved your job for all accounts 

[51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced (cough…David)]

52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 

[53. Had amazing friends (I love my friends dearly)]

54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

55. Watched wild whales 

[56. Stolen a sign]

57. Backpacked in Europe 

[58. Taken a road-trip] 

59. Rock climbing

60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice

[61. Midnight walk on the beach]

62. Sky diving

63. Visited Ireland

64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love

[65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them]

66. Visited Japan

67. Benchpressed your own weight

68. Milked a cow

[69. Alphabetized your records ( oh yeah, and I also helped catagorize my dad’s collection, which was a huge task.)]

[70. Pretended to be a superhero (back in the day)] 

71. Sung karaoke.

[72. Lounged around in bed all day] 

73. Posed nude in front of strangers 

74. Scuba diving 

75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye

76. Kissed in the rain

[77. Played in the mud]

[78. Played in the rain]

79. Gone to a drive-in theater

[80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it]

81. Visited the Great Wall of China

[82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog ]

[83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better]

84. Started a business

85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken 

86. Toured ancient sites

[87. Taken a martial arts class]

88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman 

89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

90. Gotten married

[91. Been in a movie] 

[92. Crashed a party]

93. Loved someone you shouldn't have

94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy (can one really be sure of that?)

95. Gotten divorced

96. Had sex at the office

97. Gone without food for 5 days

[98. Made cookies from scratch] 

99. Won first prize in a costume contest

100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

101. Gotten a tattoo

[102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on]

103. Rafted the Snake River

104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"

105. Got flowers for no reason

106. Masturbated in a public place long long ago

107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything

108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug

[109. Performed on stage]

110. Been to Las Vegas

111. Recorded music

112. Eaten shark 

113. Had a one-night stand

114. Gone to Thailand

115. Seen Siouxsie live

116. Bought a house 

117. Been in a combat zone 

118. Buried one/both of your parents 

[119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off] 

120. Been on a cruise ship 

121. Spoken more than one language fluently 

[122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone] 

123. Bounced a check 

124. Performed in Rocky Horror

125. Read - and understood - your credit report 

126. Raised children 

127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy

128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

129. Created and named your own constellation of stars

130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

[131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did]

132. Called or written your Congress person 

133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over 

134. ...more than once? - More than thrice? 

135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

[136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking] 

137. Had an abortion or your female partner did

138. Had plastic surgery

139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.

140. Wrote articles for a large publication 

141. Lost over 100 pounds 

[142. Held someone while they were having a flashback]

143. Piloted an airplane 

[144. Petted a stingray]

145. Broken someone's heart

146. Helped an animal give birth 

147. Been fired or laid off from a job 

148. Won money on a T.V. game show

149. Broken a bone 

150. Killed a human being

151. Gone on an African photo safari

152. Ridden a motorcycle 

[153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph( do not get in a car with me when I’ve had a bad day)] 

154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced

155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

[157. Ridden a horse] 

158. Had major surgery

159. Had sex on a moving train 

160. Had a snake as a pet( my babysitter did, and it scared the shit out of me)

161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing

[163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours] 164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

165. Visited all 7 continents

166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

167. Eaten kangaroo meat

168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground 

169. Been a sperm or egg donor
(I’m not healthy enough to donate)
[170. Eaten sushi ( es yummy!)] 

[171. Had your picture in the newspaper] 

172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime 

[173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about]

174. Gotten someone fired for their actions 

175. Gone back to school 

176. Parasailed

177. Changed your name 

178. Petted a cockroach 

179. Eaten fried green tomatoes

180. Read The Iliad 

[181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read]

[182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them]

183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you

184. Taught yourself an art from scratch 

185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

[186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt]

187. Skipped all your school reunions 

[188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language]

189. Been elected to public office

190. Written your own computer language

191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream 

192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

193. Built your own PC from parts

194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you.

195. Had a booth at a street fair

[196: Dyed your hair (red and strawberry blonde)] 

197: Been a DJ(kinda)

198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal

199: Written your own role playing game

200: Been arrested (this is on my list of things to do before I die, no joke)

Sunday, March 04, 2007


I walked to Blockbuster today to find out some clue to who owns the damn keys. The card was registered to Janet Wolfe, whom I've never heard of. There isn't a Janet Wolfe registered at Eau Claire, so I e-mailed everyone with the last name of Wolfe, hoping maybe one of them was related to her. I just got an e-mail back from one of them, saying that he had lost some keys during football camp, and that his mother's name was Janet. Hopefully, he'll come pick them up tonight and maybe we can solve how the fuck they got into my desk drawer.

Saturday, March 03, 2007


I was looking for a movie that I brought up from home (El Espiritu de la Colmena, which I haven't seen yet) when I came across a key attached to a light thingie and a blockbuster card.

I don't own any keys.


I don't know where it came from, the only people who have been near my computer desk are Lucy, David, and April. This is a mystery. I know it wasn't there at the beginning of the year. Is it Emily's? Why would she keep a key in my drawer?

Here's a picture:

Friday, March 02, 2007

Those poor pancake-less bastards

Guess what? There are NO IHOPs in Vermont.

No pancakes for them.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I would not be surprised

If somehow a pool table ended up in a tree outside of Dave's apt.

I still want to eat you

Medusa's Daughter

I stop
The white fish swims in my teacup
Swimming in a sea of faith.
Words in my favorite song I’ve never heard before
Drinking from the bottle of smoke,
I lay my head on the pillow that weeps blood

I think I owe you some kind of death.
Animal of my mind wildly sniffing out the path
that I sit in the middle of.
I draw silver snakes out of my mouth,
I am Medusa’s daughter.
Words flicker on the edges of my vision
and shrink from my coming.

No classes, boredom ensues

1. Have you ever fallen down stairs sober?
Yes, damn those stairs in Hibbard.

2. Have you ever fallen down stairs drunk?
no, surprisingly

3. Do you own pants with pleats?

4. Do you collect anything?
I suppose you could say that I collect books. I have a compulsion to buy more and more.

5. Have you ever been robbed?
My sister is a Kleptomaniac.

6. What is your favorite kind of pizza?
Tomato and Spinach, or Pineapple.

7. Ever swung from a rope?
yes (Robin Hood anyone?)

9. Ever smoked anything?

10. Do you wash your dishes?
when I feel ambitious

11. Do you wear contact or glasses?
I have worn glasses since third grade.

12. What color are your mom's eyes?
green, like mine.

13. Ever swam in a lake?
yes, good ol' Booth Lake in ET.

14. Do you like cheese?
yes, I have this horrible thing called expensive taste. I love gruyere, jarlsberg, boursin, brie, camembert, etc.

15. Have you ever touched a snake?
Yes, My babysitter's kids had a pet snake for about a week. I was terrified.

16. Ever taken pictures of a naked person?

17. Root Beer: Birchwood, A&W, or IBC?

18. What town do you wish you lived in?
I would like to live in either Milwaukee, Chicago, or St. Paul if this question is limited to the US. I woulld LOVE to live in London, Paris or Amsterdam.

19. Would you ever run for President of the US?
Um no

20. What's your dream car?
one that runs?

21. Ever shot anything?

22. Ever burned anything to get rid of it?
I used to think if I wrote down my memories and burned them they would go away. It never worked.

23. Ever written a check?
Yes, I had to pay my semester bill.

24. Do you know anyone in jail?

25. Have you ever been in jail?
Erm, no

26. How many hours of TV do you watch a day?
Unless it's a thursday, none.

27. If you had to choose the sex of your unborn child, would you choose male or female?
female. I don't know how o deal with little boys.

28. Do you think you could fight in a war?
I would be in Canada in a blink of an eye.

29. What's your favorite kind of cake?

30. Do you pump your gas?
yeah.... unless I make Adam pump it for me.

31. Do you take vitamins?

32. What did you do yesterday?
went to class. that's it.

33. Have you ever flown on a plane?

34. Ever been to Mexico?

35. Ever yelled at your boss?

36. Would you ever hit on a cop?
no, I hate authority figures.

37. Have you ever said the F word in front of your parents?

38. Do you wear pink?
I have two pink shirts

39. Do you rent movies from Blockbuster stores?
no, I let others rent them for me.

40. Ever been to Trader Joe's?

41. Ever eaten more than 2 foot long subs?
Not at the same time..

42. Have you ever seen Casablanca?
the movie: yes

43. Do you have a college degree?
Not yet

44. How long have you been working?
Since I was 16

45. Have you ever changed a tire on a bike?

46. Would you rather have straight or curly hair?

47. Do you celebrate Valentine's Day?
no, its a pointless holiday.

48. Do you celebrate any weird holidays?
Define weird...

49. What's your dad's first name?

50. Do you think you'll make it to 50 years old?
I know I won't. I think very few of my friends will live to see fifty.