Perils of assimilation

If only life came with subtitles.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

sharpie poet/bastard

o cosmic fool

I trod on my words and abandoned them in my wake, though no one shall see them I rue their absence. They are on the trees, but when leaves fall, who shall pick them up? they will float to the bottom of the river, never to be dredged up. But i was selfish to keep them, they must find their way, I pity he who finds the word God. o how I miss my words.

o sage of depravity, guide them to those who need them more than I. Erudition eroticism. perversion aversion I am the vandal with a sharpie in her pocket. I smoke and the crime leaves my body as I exhale. I am the crime, ethereal now. I kiss the breath of others, and disintegrate into ash.

la lala, sing to my strumming, for I cannot for I have left my empty shell behind,as she breathes some form of non-sin, some non-life. la lala la lala. catharsis is one word I did not leave, nor did I leave anger, but I left sorrow, and creation, and destruction, and love. i wrote in a language that means nothing anymore.

Some days...

I feel incredibly dumb, and then I'm reminded of just how awesome I am. Like how well read I am, and that I can still intellegently discuss literature while inebriated
I've read:
The Fountainhead (in 8th grade)
David Copperfield (8th grade)
The Amores (8th Grade)
The Old Curiosity Shop (5th grade)
Jane Eyre (6th grade)
Nicholas Nickleby (12th grade)
The Way We Live Now (10th grade)
Gormenghast Trilogy (8th grade)
Daniel Deronda (10th grade)
The Bell Jar (8th grade)
Pride and Prejudice (7th grade)
Sense and Sensibility (10th grade)
Emma (10th grade)
Northanger Abbey (6th grade)
Les Miserables (11th grade)
Frankensein (12th grade)
Dracula (11th grade)
Bleak House (12th grade)
Tess of the D'urbervilles (10th grade)
Swann's Way (10th grade, and IT TOOK ME FOREVER)
Sister Carrie (10th grade)
Alice in Wonderland (3rd grade, I think)
Through the Looking-glass (3rd grade)
Anna Karenina (8th grade)
A prayer for Owen Meany (8th grade)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I have the oddest feeling right now somewhere in between anxiety and elation. No special reason why.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My life at 5 am

Me: what the hell? why is there water dripping on my hand? Did I forget to close the window?

(gets up, and shuts window. Dripping gets worse)

Me: ??

(Checks to see if it's raining outside, which it isn't. By now the dripping has gotten even worse)

Me: What the fuck?

(Moves stuff, and attempts to move the bed away from the window, but can't. There is a knock on the door.)

RA: Hey you guys aren't getting any dripping are you?

Me: yeah, we are.

RA: oh. well just move some stuff and put some towels down. (he leaves)

(puts towels down as dripping worsens)

Roommate: what's going on? is it raining? why was that guy here?

Ok...long story short: The pipes in 586, the room above us, burst and there is really nothing we can do about that. I've given up trying to soak up the water with towels since it's not helping too much anyhow. The dripping should start to slow down in about 2 hours. We had first thought that they had set the sprinkler system off, and I was about ready to kick some ass. Hopefully some nice person will let me sleep on their futon, because my bed is going to take forever to air out.

This was at 5 am on the only day I get to sleep in. Karma owes me.

Got a new mattress, and I'll be reimbursed for all the laundry I must now do. The room still reeks, but there's no more dripping. Today just keeps getting worse. I didn't get a callback for "the Cripple of Inishmaan", I fell asleep in two classes, and I just want to cry. I just want to curl up in a warm soft bed and cry, BUT I CAN'T because I have to wash stuff and change the sheets. Karma must be exacting payment now for something really good later. I don't get why I've gone through so much bad shit in my life and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Intellectual Whores

Johanna(Amber's firend who came to EC form St. Paul for the weekend) showed me and Lucy this great site:

His ladder theory is spot-on and brilliant.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I need...

Someone to talk to. Those of you who know me, know how solitary I can be. I can't become close to someone easily, though I have no problem making/keeping friends. I really just need to talk to someone who knows me really well. It doesn't even matter if we talk, but as long as I know they're there.
Fuck...I miss Lila.
I really miss her. It was tough going through senior year without her around, but at least she was nearby. Now she's in Chicago and I'm in EC. That is 300+ miles. We can talk about anything, nothing and it's still a great conversation.
I hardly miss the fam, but I MISS MY FRIENDS!!
They were my family. If I needed anything, they were there. I would do the same for them. My friends are my family.

Monday, October 09, 2006


I refuse to feel guilty for my choices. I'm not going to quit doing something that brings me pleasure. If I want to slowly kill myself, I Shall without remorse. I'm actually COMFORTED by the thought that I might die before things get worse. So stick it.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

les livres

I honestly don't know how I get so much reading in and still manage to get my homework done and go out w/ my friends. However, I do. What I'm reading right now:

The Book that I carry in my purse:
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
(I'm amazed at how good this book is! From the title I expected something dreary)

The book I carry in my backpack:
Desolation Angels By Jack Kerouac

The book that stays in my room (mainly because it's too big for easy transportation):
Infinite Jest By David Foster Wallace.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

My Boots

I had never known how much my boots are to my persona until I bought some sneakers. I feel like such a yuppie bitch in them, like some person who jogs every morning and reads thrillers and romance novels. I feel like a tough bitch when I wear a pair of boots, someone intelligent and opinionated.
But it's ridiculous to let an article of clothing define you, right?
So Long yuppie sneakers...Give me my Queen-Bitch-Of-The-Universe boots.

EC, yo

I guess I expected a little more out of college. Some freedom new expiriences....oy, I was wrong. I think I have less freedom here than I did at home. There is no art/culture scene here AT ALL, It's utterly stifling, and the Theatre program is kind of a joke. For the First week I was utterly miserable, I cried down the phone when I called Luc up at about 2:30 a.m. I Realized that this is not the place for me.
So...I'm Transfering.
I don't know where yet, Milwaukee in most likely, because they have the Peck school of arts and A burgeoning art scene. I need to go to a city, someplace that I can find some freedom. EC is ET all over again. It's a yuppie paradise.
But I just have to make it through three more months here, and then it's bye-bye.